Preview of Petraeus September Progress Report

The media has been reporting that the White House itself will write the Iraqi Progress Report that General Westmoreland, whoops, scratch that, General Petraeus is supposed to give. How much our brave and noble consul, oops, general, will get to input the report is irrelevant, since all of the higher officer corps of the Legions, excuse me again, Army, have undergone a Vulcan mind-meld with commander-in-chief Bush (the Roman god Vulcan, Spock's uncle, did know how to weld tin and wood together). Fortunately, I have been secretly sent the 1st Draft of this report by an unnamed White House staffer, housekeeper, gardener, cook, visitor or bartender (figure that out Secret Service!) which I am eager now to share with the public.

*********SPECIAL REPORT*********

I have been able to secretly obtain the first White House draft of General Petraeus's September report on progress in Iraq, which I feel is my patriotic duty to reveal to the public. Here it is, in raw, uncensored form:








Official Glyph of the Petraeus Report







OFFICIAL UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT REPORT ON PROGRESS IN IRAQ (1ST DRAFT)

Current Situation In-Country:

IN IRAQ, EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran sucks. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran beats dogs. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran blew up the Maine. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran is Al Qaeda. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran will rape your daughter. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran will Nuke us. EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Iran will castrate all American males. IN IRAQ, EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY. Satan rhymes with Iran (sort of).


Studied Conclusion:

WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING IN IRAQ! Iran is bad. WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING IN IRAQ! Iran will nuke Europe. WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING IN IRAQ! Iran eats human flesh. WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING! WE ARE WINNING IN IRAQ! Slay the Iranian 7-headed Hydra.


Future Action:

THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! HAVE ANOTHER DRINK! Iran worships Hitler. THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! WHAT A KICK! Stalin was Iranian. THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! THE SURGE THAT REFRESHES! GREAT TASTE ALL THE WAY! Iran, font of all evil. THE SURGE, THE URGE, THE DRINK THAT QUENCHES IRAQ'S THIRST! Nuke Iran.